Thursday, 17 February 2011

Broken

Where to begin?

Start at the beginning, and when you come to the end: stop.

I haven’t been blogging lately, or online much for that matter. To be really honest, I haven’t even been out of the house much, I haven’t seen any of my friends or neighbours in the last few weeks. People are starting to worry.

Fair enough; I’ve been sick. Not my usual upper-respiratory-infection kind of sick, but processing some deep, unpleasant personal stuff. Everyone has *stuff*. Some more than others, and it’s not something I generally like to talk about. In fact, *stuff* is something most people don’t generally like to talk about.

And that, my friends, is the problem. DENIAL.

This is me, the gorgeous green goddess, Majikfaerie herself, saying: “THE DENIAL ENDS HERE”.

I will no longer perpetuate the cycle of abuse nor the denial that aids and abets it. I will speak my truth, and be in my truth. I will not tolerate lies or sugar-coating. I will not abide by denial of abuse or of truth.

~~~

I went to my sister, Chicky’s wedding at the end of last month.

Just the decision to go there in the first place was hard for me. Initially, it seemed obvious that we won’t go – while I love my sister, and we’re pretty close, and I’m okay with my brother, I don’t have any contact with anyone else in my family; I haven’t spoken with any of them in several years at least.

I am a survivor of abuse.

My parents,  their parents and all our associated siblings are all a part of that, both as victims and as perpetrators, as is generally the case. While I am deeply scarred; I’m hurt; I suffer and I’ve gone through hell to get to the point I’m at now, which is generally healed and happy, I do forgive the past. I do recognise that my abusers were merely acting out of their own abusive patterns, and for the most part, trying to overcome that.

What I don’t accept and will not tolerate, is the denial that goes with it all – the denial that left me exposed to abuse in the first place, and the denial that continues to this day.

There is a very strong ethos amongst my blood relations that we all pretend nothing ever happened, ever, and we never, ever talk about it. Everything is business as usual. This I stand against and this I protect my child from. Because it DID happen, and the denial is what perpetuates it.

So I thought we wouldn’t go to Chicky and River’s wedding. Obviously. I don’t want to see all those people who continue to cause me so much pain, people who lie to my face and call me a liar when I blew the whistle on the whole sick story.

But then I thought: hey, it’s just not fair! I don’t want to miss my baby sister’s wedding; I’ve suffered enough and missed out on enough! I’m strong, I’m empowered. I can rise above all of this, and be in my truth, and be there for my sister.

I could see three options:

1. Don’t go. Like I said, this would mean missing my beloved sister’s wedding. Lose

2. Go, and speak out, and accuse my abusers and call them all out on their lies and insist on the truth. Essentially, making a scene, which would ruin my sister’s wedding and not really help my cause. Lose.

3. Go, and rise above, be strong, calm, and beautiful; a shining example of wholeness and healing.

Seemed like a no-brainer. So we went.

It was a fly-in-fly-out deal, not stopping long enough to see anyone, because Purple has work, and really because I didn’t want to see anyone.

And I was strong, and I didn’t make a scene. It was a pretty wedding, Littletree was a flowergirl. My grandfather who molested me and my parents kept a respectful distance. I made small talk with some cousins and family friends I’ve not seen in more than a decade.

Only in hindsight did I realise, somewhere around the time the wedding photographer called all the immediate family in to pose for family photos, that I’d not seen all the implications of option #3: that by going there, and posing in the photos, and making chit-chat with relatives and vague non-answers about why we don’t visit more often, I was participating in the denial; perpetuating the cycle of abuse.

I wish when all my cousins and uncles and aunts came up to say hi, and they all said they wished we were staying longer and asked me when we’re coming for a visit next, I wish, I wish, instead of smiling vaguely and mumbling something about maybe, probably not, I don’t know, I wish I’d said:

WHY ON EARTH WOULD I WANT TO COME HERE AND SEE ANY OF YOU EVER AGAIN? HONESTLY, YOU ALL STAND AROUND HERE, ACTING LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED, AND HERE I AM, DAMAGED, ABUSED. THAT MAN WHO MOLESTED ME IS RIGHT OVER THERE AND YOU ALL CALL ME A LIAR! NO CHANCE IN HELL I WANT TO COME BACK HERE AND BE A PART OF THIS!”

But I didn’t say that. I didn’t make a scene. We had a “nice” time, then we went home.

Somehow, I thought I’d be able to do that and not be affected, and I’d be fine. I didn’t understand till it was too late that by taking option #3 I was collaborating in the denial, and I’d hate myself for it.

Since then, I’ve been badly depressed. I haven’t been blogging, I haven’t been seeing my friends, I don’t eat much, I don’t sleep much, I’m just managing to keep up with basic household tasks. I feel broken.

28 comments:

  1. sweet sweet woman. I am crying. My heart goes out to you unreservedly and I wish I could take your pain from you. I could make chit chat about how brave you are, and how it will pass and you may come out better for it but fuck that. I am sorry you aren't coping and my prayers are with you.

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  2. Much love to you as you move through this. xx

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  3. I'm sending you some internet *hugs* as I'm glad you've popped up here. I realized just yesterday that you hadn't blogged in a while and was going to drop you a line & make sure you & your family were ok. I'm sorry to hear about all of this but I'm glad that you felt strong enough to share this with "all of us". Much love & light to you!!

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  4. I am so sorry that all of your options were losing ones. I want to say something about how terrible it is that abuse and a family's denial of it takes away either your right to speak or your ability to get love and support from what family members you trust (or both), but I can't really convey my depth of feeling. I guess all I can say is even strangers (like me) stand with you as you try to deal with this now, and throughout your life.

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  5. Honouring your place; knowing it's Truth and sending you waves of Health, Healing, and Clarity.

    Thank you for sharing where you are at this moment; not sugar coating it, but owning it.

    Full Moon Blessings!

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  6. Oh, Majik. I am so very sorry for what you have been through and what you are going through. I had also noticed your absence here and was hoping everything was okay. My mom has a similar story, and I would be happy to put you in touch with her if you would like someone to correspond with. Several years ago she went through the process of letting it all come up and while it was incredibly painful it was also very worth it.

    I want to give you mad props and kudos for having the courage to write this, and the maddest props and kudos I can muster for your ability to stop the cycle and protect your daughter. My mom had to have limited contact with her family of origin because her biggest goal in life was to protect her children. And she did. I am one of very few who experienced no kind of abuse as a child. That in and of itself is an amazing feat, and you are doing that for Littletree. You are an amazing mama and a courageous and strong woman, and you will get through this.

    Much love to you, my dear. Email any time. creativebeth@gmail.com.

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  7. it takes people like you taking a stand and not being quiet to break the cycle, i thank you as well for speaking out and protecting your daughter. i'm so sorry this is your reality. i know a woman here who has a similiar story, she even turned in her grandfather to the authorities. if it were not for women like you both they would be allowed within everyone's denial to continue to abuse. many hugs to you from a stranger far away who, as another reader said, stands by you.

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  8. Just wanted to say again that my love and support is with you.

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  9. You are a strong, brave amazing woman. I totally agree: abuse is unspeakable but the denial that perpetuates it is even worse. It is such an honorable thing you have done by speaking out about it. I hope the pain recedes for you soon.
    I love you beyond words.

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  10. I dont know what to say . Except i hope you break through the darkness soon, you are a strong brave woman who i admire immensely , dont let it destroy your soul . light and blesings
    Charlotte xxx

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  11. you chose option 3 so you could be with, share and support your sister, sadly nothing you say or do will change your family's denial, they are the only ones that have the power to change their lives, every day you while away wishing that you had acted differently or despairing at their actions means they and especially he wins, you have come a long way to put the past behind you and be a better person, carry on being the beautiful person you are and living your life

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  12. much love and strength to you, thankyou for being so honest and sharing with us xx

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  13. I'm touched by your raw honesty xoxo much love to you

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  14. OH Mf im so sorry you have been through all of this. Protecting littletree is the most important thing, and I know you are doing a fabulous job at that. Sending you lots and lots of love. My thoughts and prayers are with you. You know where I am if you need to chat cause i have been through similar. mwah many blessings to you.

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  15. oh my heart hurts for you. Much strength and love to you

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  16. Its hard. So so hard. But trying to put things behind you and move on and forgive is not Denial. I know forgiving is a freaking HARD thing to do, but sometimes that is the only thing we have left to do. I really hope you find peace luv.. I will send loving energy your way.

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  17. I was wondering why you had been so quiet. I'm sorry hear you are going through a hard time. Seeing specific people who remind you of the trauma will often bring up these kinds of emotions. Seems as though many of us go through these rough patches from time to time. This powerful book ("The Courage To Heal") helped me make sense of those moments. I'm hoping that it might help you as well. Hang in there, Majikfaerie. (big hug)

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  18. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Courage_to_Heal

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  19. you did what you had to for the greater good. yes, you fed into the denial scene with your family, but the greater good was not ruining your sister's special day. doing this compromised your promise to be true to yourself and that is a hard thing to swallow but it doesn't sound like your family is ready and/or willing to accept the truth. it's a hard spot to be in and i've dealt with similar but different circumstances and what i came to realize was that even though it feels like i'm compromising my truth, i still know my truth and it doesn't matter what others wish to believe as that is what they have to live with.

    may you be able to move pass this soon. xoxo

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  20. Oh, majikfaerie... my heart breaks for you. It also opens up wider for you, and your honesty opens up everything else. You did what you thought would work; you were there for your sister, and that, in the moment, was the truth for you. That is still and will always be the core of your choice. Love. Love. Love.

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm sending you wave after wave of positive thoughts and energy. And I'm willing you through to the other side, where joy and clarity and light are waiting. Clean and clear and already inside you, right now, waiting for you to find them again. Sending all of it in ribbons of colour. They're filling me up and flowing out, flowing north, to you.

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  21. "The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen"

    - Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

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  22. I think this may be my first visit to your blog, so I hope it's ok that I share my perspective here. Your post really has me thinking. I can envision you there, at the wedding, loving your sister and upholding decorum for her sake but feeling perhaps increasingly more uncomfortable as you felt it was a charade.

    But, then I had another thought. Your history of abuse in this family tells another story, too, because chances are quite certain there were other women at that wedding who suffered as well. They were there, watching you, and thinking, "She did it. She survived it. She shows dignity and pride. She can function. She can be here for her sister, despite it all. Maybe I can survive, too."

    I believe that's calling as high as any other, and higher than most. Perhaps your purpose at that wedding was not to purge or scourge family sins but to give hope to other victims of it.

    God bless you as you work through this.

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  23. I read your blog for a couple of years and I admire you very very much. You gave me a lot of strenght when I needed it.

    I only wish I could give something to you back.

    You made a very important step, and a very good one, but you need to go further. You should talk to a therapyst, someone who can help you move on, dig more, get it all out and than start feeling.

    I am here too, just in case you need to talk or cry or...

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  24. You know, it's my birthday today, and it's 2am in the States where I am and I was just recently pondering my own history of growing up abused. Often around this day I question my decision to not have contact with the majority of my immediate family. But for some reason the Universe really took me where I needed to be... your rock-solid, honest writing. It's happened before, and I haven't come to your blog in ages and ages it seems, but I just wanted you to know that your honesty and Truth Telling is a fantastic thing. Even if you feel that pain again and again, please know that just by putting it out there, you've helped me -- and I'm sure many many others. Peace. Love. Joy. And Thanks.

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  25. hugs to you ---

    and thanks to everyone who has been so supportive :)

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Thanks for your lovely words, witty banter and entertaining discussion :)