The longest day of the year.
We light a fire to mark the ceremony, cleansing. Wine for the blood, incense fire for the air, the spring flowing.
We let go of all the things that don't serve us, we let go the bonds that hold us.
I cast off the hooks that lying, manipulating abusers have tried to control me with.
They have no power over me.
I take back my strength and I stand in my truth and power.
And so the seasons change, and I grow and heal. Reclaiming myself.
Merry solstice
This is my daemon. It lives inside of me, and I spent many years terrified of it. It was stuffed down, deep in the dank darkness, fed on fear and anger and sadness and all the filth and hurt and suffering I could dredge up and push down there.
And so it grew, trapped in a tiny cage, poked and prodded, insults hurled at it, like a rabid dog in a too-small box. And it grew to hate me, and I feared it all the more. But I could not set it free, for it would attack and devour me.
Down in the darkness, it turned and growled, and snapped, and snarled, eyes flashing and saliva dripping, menacing and evil. And I wished to be free of it.
I tried to describe this creature in therapy one time, and my therapist handed me a large sheet of paper and a box of pastels. I sat, with a black pastel in my (non-dominant) left hand and drew this with my eyes closed...
And I saw that my creature was not all that bad after all. I felt pity and sadness for it; the poor thing, trapped down there all these years, abused and diseased. It was lonely, and I had created it.
So now we work together, my creature and I; it still snarls from time to time, but I have, at least, stopped poking it and pouring poison into its cage. I let the sun shine in, when I can, and give it fresh water and empathy and love. And most of all, I apologised.
Littletree was having a moment of overwhelm today – she lost the tiny magic key that she found in the forest, and it was just the last straw for her in an overwhelming situation.
She got really angry, and really frustrated, and said she wanted to scream and hit something. She chose to go into her bedroom and scream into a pillow and punch the mattress. I went into her room to offer her some support, and she told me she just really wants to break something.
I suggested she just feel into that, but that physically breaking something might not be productive. Then she got inspired, and asked if she could break sticks – the skewers we use for kebabs.
So I got her the packet of kebab skewers out of the kitchen and lay in bed with her while she snapped them. Half a dozen skewers later, she started talking about writing a program that would function like a to-do list, but with time stamps and check boxes, and with features like alarms and reminders.
Within five minutes we were out of the room, and talking about all sorts of stuff, happy again… and all it took was a few wooden skewers.
The past month has been such a frenzy of homemade awesomeness. Harvesting yummy veggies from our garden
Including cassava so we can make our own cassava chips (as well as so many amazing delicacies)
Amazing, delectable, organic, home made cherry liqueur, which tastes like an explosion of fluffy bliss bubbles in your brain
Hannukah Sufganiot
Homemade Bailey’s Irish Cream made from local, raw, organic cream, and served with my organic, raw macadamia and honey ice cream
Gingerbread yoni cookies made by my neighbour
And last, but not least, a local farm stall gave us a massive box of “seconds” tomatoes for only $2! What to do with such a tomatoey abundance?
Tomato Chutney!
In between the moments of madness, there’s been SO MUCH AWESOME!
I love eating locally, I love eating food that we grew ourselves, I love making from scratch all the things that even our grandmothers have forgotten how to make :)
Just got home from the Australian Rainbow Gathering, which was all kinds of awesome!
We packed up my trusty van, Sunshine with all the gear and tipi poles on the roof and hit the road! On the way we stopped at the Coroborree Land out at Tabulam to pick up the big communal pots – was nice to break the journey and have a nice swim in the river on a hot day!
It took most of two days to drive down to the Blue Mountains, but it was great to arrive at Home and get the tipi set up… right before we all moved to a better site, 2 hours away. Exhaustion much!?
Aaaand then it was time to drive down to Sydney to pick Littletree up from the airport.
Honestly, I have no idea how people manage to live there, I was so wiped out from being in the city for one day, and all we did was drive in to the airport and drive out again!
So it took us a whole week to get down, get set up, move again, set up again and settle in! Phew! But it was really nice to be in the tipi once more, and to be in nature and at rainbow, after a year without gathering on the land.
I Loved being able to go for circles every day, singing and Aumming and eating communally under the big tree
And Food Circle around the sacred fire in the evening
There were so many awesome workshops – someone bought a bucket of avocado seeds and some carving tools, and some people got together to carve an avocado chess-set
Juggling, capoeira and Hula Hooping
I held my usual water-bottle-holder crochet workshop
Random acts of group massage
Face Painting in silence by the creek
Making signs for the kitchen
Fire Twirling
Dress-ups for the production of Alice in RainbowLand, and for the Cabaret
And so much more!
I worked in the kitchen (as I do), but was pretty good at stepping back and not getting burned out
And spent a lot of time lying on a rock in the river, or in my hammock. It was wonderful to catch up with old friends and to make new connections. Great to be back in the bush, watching the stars and the moon, falling asleep at night to the sounds of the drums, making chapatis and doughnuts on an open fire, feeling the rain on my skin.
But not too much rain!
And now it’s good to be home!
More photos can be found on my flickr page HERE
Apparently Mercury has been in retrograde, and as we all know, mercury is poisonous. So weird things happen.
Purple and I have separated, which is one big change. Actually, it’s a huge change! It’s been eight weeks now since he came home from vacation at the Rainbow Gathering in Washington State and told me he wants to break up.
We’ve been married for eight years, and despite a lot of ups and downs, it all seemed to be going well. I do get a lot of questions about the nature of our relationship – yes, we were polyamorous, and no, that’s not the reason we broke up.
It’s been a rough couple of months for me, going through teh dramaz with Purple moving out, and then not moving out, he wasn’t talking to me for a while and shut himself in his bedroom. I also (unrelatedly) broke up with my girlfriend; my beloved, who broke my heart. So I’m entirely single for the first time in many years. It’s been a very depressing couple of months, and really feeling like I’m barely hanging on at times.
Now that we’ve had a bit of time to work things out and a little space, Purple and I have decided to stay living together, at least for the time being. We are, after all, still best friends, and we’re still parents to Littletree.
We have our own bedrooms and it makes a lot of sense in many ways to be housemates. We’ve started the process of subdividing our block of land, with future plans for Purple to build a house on the other half. Who knows what the future will bring!
In the meantime, I’m feeling very “wrung out”, and coping as best I can. Littletree is a total champ. She told me one day: ‘no offence, mama, but when you and Aba argue, it’s your fault. Because even though it seems like he always starts it by saying something that’s mean, you have to remember that he’s too stupid to start fights!’ LOL
She’s a resilient kid, and very pragmatic. I can’t believe how much she’s growing up.
So tomorrow Purple goes back to Israel for a while, and who knows what will happen. Meanwhile, life goes on :)
I came down sick over the weekend; I got a nasty sore throat, totally lost my voice and felt like crap.
Thankfully, Purple was here to take care of me. He spent the day making sure I was warm enough, taking care of Littletree and making me loads of cups of ginger-lemon tea and soups.
Best soup ever – greens, broccoli, sweet potato all fresh from our own garden and home made organic chicken stock, with loads of garlic. He also made an amazingly delicious fermented spelt bread (actually, he made that for Ariad, who is gluten intolerant, but she couldn’t come over in the end so I had to eat it!). Mmmm spelt bread dipped in home made soup!
Actually, it was so tasty and nourishing I didn’t stop between mouthfuls to take a photo of the finished soup. But it did make me feel a lot better.
I am truly blessed to have someone so awesome in my life. Someone to share parenting with, and a house, and to look out for each other. Someone who really gets me and supports me exactly as I am (and puts up with all my crazy).
Littletree and I landed in Phuket, tired after a long day. Thankfully, we were greeted by a driver standing with one of those little signs with my name on it.
Relaxing in the air conditioned car, we pulled up at our destination where a bellhop in a shiny uniform greeted us in front of an imposing edifice, a large brass baggage cart in hand.
We were guided to my client’s suite by an elegantly-dressed concierge who swept through the expansive marble-floored lobby, past the gift shop selling expensive trinkets and overpriced luggage, numerous little boutiques and beauty counters advertising specials on facial treatments or dental whitening, and to the elevators.
The suite was quite large with all the mod-cons and a massive garden balcony. I headed straight for a hot shower in the marble bathroom and then ordered dinner from room service before laying down on the sofa for a rest in front of the big-screen TV while Littletree played on the wifi.
Only this wasn’t a 5-star hotel but a fancy private hospital. Kind of fun for one evening taking care of my client, she is very sick, but we’re back at her house now, and she’s feeling better.
Where to begin?
Start at the beginning, and when you come to the end: stop.
I haven’t been blogging lately, or online much for that matter. To be really honest, I haven’t even been out of the house much, I haven’t seen any of my friends or neighbours in the last few weeks. People are starting to worry.
Fair enough; I’ve been sick. Not my usual upper-respiratory-infection kind of sick, but processing some deep, unpleasant personal stuff. Everyone has *stuff*. Some more than others, and it’s not something I generally like to talk about. In fact, *stuff* is something most people don’t generally like to talk about.
And that, my friends, is the problem. DENIAL.
This is me, the gorgeous green goddess, Majikfaerie herself, saying: “THE DENIAL ENDS HERE”.
I will no longer perpetuate the cycle of abuse nor the denial that aids and abets it. I will speak my truth, and be in my truth. I will not tolerate lies or sugar-coating. I will not abide by denial of abuse or of truth.
~~~
I went to my sister, Chicky’s wedding at the end of last month.
Just the decision to go there in the first place was hard for me. Initially, it seemed obvious that we won’t go – while I love my sister, and we’re pretty close, and I’m okay with my brother, I don’t have any contact with anyone else in my family; I haven’t spoken with any of them in several years at least.
I am a survivor of abuse.
My parents, their parents and all our associated siblings are all a part of that, both as victims and as perpetrators, as is generally the case. While I am deeply scarred; I’m hurt; I suffer and I’ve gone through hell to get to the point I’m at now, which is generally healed and happy, I do forgive the past. I do recognise that my abusers were merely acting out of their own abusive patterns, and for the most part, trying to overcome that.
What I don’t accept and will not tolerate, is the denial that goes with it all – the denial that left me exposed to abuse in the first place, and the denial that continues to this day.
There is a very strong ethos amongst my blood relations that we all pretend nothing ever happened, ever, and we never, ever talk about it. Everything is business as usual. This I stand against and this I protect my child from. Because it DID happen, and the denial is what perpetuates it.
So I thought we wouldn’t go to Chicky and River’s wedding. Obviously. I don’t want to see all those people who continue to cause me so much pain, people who lie to my face and call me a liar when I blew the whistle on the whole sick story.
But then I thought: hey, it’s just not fair! I don’t want to miss my baby sister’s wedding; I’ve suffered enough and missed out on enough! I’m strong, I’m empowered. I can rise above all of this, and be in my truth, and be there for my sister.
I could see three options:
1. Don’t go. Like I said, this would mean missing my beloved sister’s wedding. Lose
2. Go, and speak out, and accuse my abusers and call them all out on their lies and insist on the truth. Essentially, making a scene, which would ruin my sister’s wedding and not really help my cause. Lose.
3. Go, and rise above, be strong, calm, and beautiful; a shining example of wholeness and healing.
Seemed like a no-brainer. So we went.
It was a fly-in-fly-out deal, not stopping long enough to see anyone, because Purple has work, and really because I didn’t want to see anyone.
And I was strong, and I didn’t make a scene. It was a pretty wedding, Littletree was a flowergirl. My grandfather who molested me and my parents kept a respectful distance. I made small talk with some cousins and family friends I’ve not seen in more than a decade.
Only in hindsight did I realise, somewhere around the time the wedding photographer called all the immediate family in to pose for family photos, that I’d not seen all the implications of option #3: that by going there, and posing in the photos, and making chit-chat with relatives and vague non-answers about why we don’t visit more often, I was participating in the denial; perpetuating the cycle of abuse.
I wish when all my cousins and uncles and aunts came up to say hi, and they all said they wished we were staying longer and asked me when we’re coming for a visit next, I wish, I wish, instead of smiling vaguely and mumbling something about maybe, probably not, I don’t know, I wish I’d said:
“WHY ON EARTH WOULD I WANT TO COME HERE AND SEE ANY OF YOU EVER AGAIN? HONESTLY, YOU ALL STAND AROUND HERE, ACTING LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED, AND HERE I AM, DAMAGED, ABUSED. THAT MAN WHO MOLESTED ME IS RIGHT OVER THERE AND YOU ALL CALL ME A LIAR! NO CHANCE IN HELL I WANT TO COME BACK HERE AND BE A PART OF THIS!”
But I didn’t say that. I didn’t make a scene. We had a “nice” time, then we went home.
Somehow, I thought I’d be able to do that and not be affected, and I’d be fine. I didn’t understand till it was too late that by taking option #3 I was collaborating in the denial, and I’d hate myself for it.
Since then, I’ve been badly depressed. I haven’t been blogging, I haven’t been seeing my friends, I don’t eat much, I don’t sleep much, I’m just managing to keep up with basic household tasks. I feel broken.
My friends Earth Mama and Autumn’s little boy, Jallahyn, who was born into my hands, and is dear to all our hearts, is gravely ill.
He has developed septic arthritis in his left hip joint, which is spreading down his thigh bone. Today he is scheduled for his third surgery at the Mater hospital in Brisbane to try to clear this out.
Please send healing energy, prayers and blessings to all the family.
We’re all home from the rainbow adventure now and well unpacked. The gathering was spectacular! One of the most stunningly beautiful sites; and not just beautiful, but logistically perfect and easy – clean water, nice land, soft grass, no ticks, mozzies or leeches, easy access while not being too close to any towns… and awesome people!
Littletree and I drove down slowly, stopping on the way to see the Solar System Drive that you can read about HERE.
There were so many rainbows on the way there, it was almost like magical providence leading us home
We were lucky enough to get there early, before the road was blocked, so I could drive right in to the site to unload our tipi and the poles and everything (cars aren’t allowed to enter the rainbow site after the opening day), and since we’d decided to sleep the night on the road just before coming into the site, we arrived early morning and had plenty of time to find our perfect campsite and set up and get the car out before the day was over. Our faithful van Sunshine served us like a true champion :)
I had help from a couple of people to get the tipi up and was quickly rewarded by yet another rainbow
So we were settled in and ready to work on helping set up the gathering and build infrastructure
The gathering was so full of wonderful friends. I barely saw Littletree as she roamed freely with a bunch of other kids exploring the forest. They all made bows and arrows
and played all sorts of cool games
and made faerie crowns
and did face painting
and attracted butterflies
It’s such a supportive environment for children – no cars or roads to worry about, dozens of supportive grown-ups available, and freedom to roam and explore :D
A local theatre group, Living Light, joined the gathering to give a preview of their performance
I spent a fair bit of time in the kitchen, though not as much as I have in the past, which is pretty good
and we opened up our tipi for chai nights where I made doughnuts for everyone. I pumped out a few hundred organic chocolate-filled doughnuts, and cinnamon ring doughnuts. mmmm
I also did a lot of crochet – I added six new hearts to Littetree’s blanket, I held a couple of crochet workshops
and I even made a rainbow heart that slowly morphs into a square to be part of a patchwork community blanket; a free-form heart that becomes a square was no easy feat, I don’t think I did too badly, considering this was my first attempt.
Since there were several pregnant mamas,
I held several midwifery circles and did ante-natal check-ups
I swam every day in the creek
sang and danced in the magic hat parade
played capoeira and partied around the drum circle by main fire
enjoyed the sunset against the mountains
and watched the full moon rise
It was such an enriching, revitalising experience. To be in nature, to hold hands and chant AUM with 100 people before every meal, to sit in talking circles, and feel supported by my family. I was sad to leave, but I left knowing the consensus for the next rainbow in Australia will be just 2 months away, in January! details HERE
Of course, there’s no way I could fit the whole experience of rainbow into one (or even two) blog posts, and I took many photos, which you can browse on my flicker page HERE.
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