One Billion Seconds

My birthday just passed last month – one billion seconds since I was born.

According to some calculations, I passed one billions seconds on Sunday, 23 January 2011 at 6:49:40 PM (local time, which is the same as the time I was born in). Depending on how the billion seconds is calculated, and depending on daylight savings and whatnot. Also, some seconds are longer than others.

Like the second when Littletree was born – that’s a second I will  remember and cherish always.

The second when Littletree was about 2, and running down a street in Tel Aviv towards a bomb that was about to be detonated was a second that stretched out for a really long time.

The second when we crashed our car that was probably about 20 seconds, but it all happened in a second of my perception.

Time is rubber, sometimes the seconds race by, sometimes they drag on, but every one of them is precious, every moment is worth living for and worth cherishing.

We change the future with every choice we make, and we make choices every second, so make them count.

Me at around 16,000 seconds old (2 days).

Broken

Where to begin?

Start at the beginning, and when you come to the end: stop.

I haven’t been blogging lately, or online much for that matter. To be really honest, I haven’t even been out of the house much, I haven’t seen any of my friends or neighbours in the last few weeks. People are starting to worry.

Fair enough; I’ve been sick. Not my usual upper-respiratory-infection kind of sick, but processing some deep, unpleasant personal stuff. Everyone has *stuff*. Some more than others, and it’s not something I generally like to talk about. In fact, *stuff* is something most people don’t generally like to talk about.

And that, my friends, is the problem. DENIAL.

This is me, the gorgeous green goddess, Majikfaerie herself, saying: “THE DENIAL ENDS HERE”.

I will no longer perpetuate the cycle of abuse nor the denial that aids and abets it. I will speak my truth, and be in my truth. I will not tolerate lies or sugar-coating. I will not abide by denial of abuse or of truth.

~~~

I went to my sister, Chicky’s wedding at the end of last month.

Just the decision to go there in the first place was hard for me. Initially, it seemed obvious that we won’t go – while I love my sister, and we’re pretty close, and I’m okay with my brother, I don’t have any contact with anyone else in my family; I haven’t spoken with any of them in several years at least.

I am a survivor of abuse.

My parents,  their parents and all our associated siblings are all a part of that, both as victims and as perpetrators, as is generally the case. While I am deeply scarred; I’m hurt; I suffer and I’ve gone through hell to get to the point I’m at now, which is generally healed and happy, I do forgive the past. I do recognise that my abusers were merely acting out of their own abusive patterns, and for the most part, trying to overcome that.

What I don’t accept and will not tolerate, is the denial that goes with it all – the denial that left me exposed to abuse in the first place, and the denial that continues to this day.

There is a very strong ethos amongst my blood relations that we all pretend nothing ever happened, ever, and we never, ever talk about it. Everything is business as usual. This I stand against and this I protect my child from. Because it DID happen, and the denial is what perpetuates it.

So I thought we wouldn’t go to Chicky and River’s wedding. Obviously. I don’t want to see all those people who continue to cause me so much pain, people who lie to my face and call me a liar when I blew the whistle on the whole sick story.

But then I thought: hey, it’s just not fair! I don’t want to miss my baby sister’s wedding; I’ve suffered enough and missed out on enough! I’m strong, I’m empowered. I can rise above all of this, and be in my truth, and be there for my sister.

I could see three options:

1. Don’t go. Like I said, this would mean missing my beloved sister’s wedding. Lose

2. Go, and speak out, and accuse my abusers and call them all out on their lies and insist on the truth. Essentially, making a scene, which would ruin my sister’s wedding and not really help my cause. Lose.

3. Go, and rise above, be strong, calm, and beautiful; a shining example of wholeness and healing.

Seemed like a no-brainer. So we went.

It was a fly-in-fly-out deal, not stopping long enough to see anyone, because Purple has work, and really because I didn’t want to see anyone.

And I was strong, and I didn’t make a scene. It was a pretty wedding, Littletree was a flowergirl. My grandfather who molested me and my parents kept a respectful distance. I made small talk with some cousins and family friends I’ve not seen in more than a decade.

Only in hindsight did I realise, somewhere around the time the wedding photographer called all the immediate family in to pose for family photos, that I’d not seen all the implications of option #3: that by going there, and posing in the photos, and making chit-chat with relatives and vague non-answers about why we don’t visit more often, I was participating in the denial; perpetuating the cycle of abuse.

I wish when all my cousins and uncles and aunts came up to say hi, and they all said they wished we were staying longer and asked me when we’re coming for a visit next, I wish, I wish, instead of smiling vaguely and mumbling something about maybe, probably not, I don’t know, I wish I’d said:

“WHY ON EARTH WOULD I WANT TO COME HERE AND SEE ANY OF YOU EVER AGAIN? HONESTLY, YOU ALL STAND AROUND HERE, ACTING LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED, AND HERE I AM, DAMAGED, ABUSED. THAT MAN WHO MOLESTED ME IS RIGHT OVER THERE AND YOU ALL CALL ME A LIAR! NO CHANCE IN HELL I WANT TO COME BACK HERE AND BE A PART OF THIS!”

But I didn’t say that. I didn’t make a scene. We had a “nice” time, then we went home.

Somehow, I thought I’d be able to do that and not be affected, and I’d be fine. I didn’t understand till it was too late that by taking option #3 I was collaborating in the denial, and I’d hate myself for it.

Since then, I’ve been badly depressed. I haven’t been blogging, I haven’t been seeing my friends, I don’t eat much, I don’t sleep much, I’m just managing to keep up with basic household tasks. I feel broken.

Queensland Flood Relief

The great folk at Nuffnang came up with a great way to raise funds to donate to the Queensland flood relief. Bloggers were invited to contribute something to be auctioned off, with all money going to the Premier’s Flood Relief Fund.

You can see the full details HERE

I’m donating one of my hand-made crocheted water bottle holders – made to order in any colour or size requested (up to 1.5L spring water bottle size) of the kind my friend and I are modelling

As Littletree would say, they’re ‘super-stylin’ and practical too. Never get caught without good drinking water.

You can see the full details of the eBay auction HERE

You can also donate direct to the flood relief fund HERE

Rainbow Adventure

We’ve been out at the Australian Rainbow Gathering on and off for the last week and a half – well, to be more accurate, Purple was there on and off, Littletree was there for the whole time, and I just popped in for a day.

Purple and Littletree went out the weekend before last, just planning to stay two days. They had a great time (while I stayed home waiting on a client due to start her birthing process any day now).

But when it came time to go home, Littletree was having such a great time, she didn’t want to leave. Some very good friends of ours offered to take care of her for a few days till Purple and I could come back the following weekend to pick her up. The site is very conveniently located just a few minutes from a small village with a phone and only 2 hours drive from home, so it was agreed that if there’s any problem someone would call us to come out and get her immediately.

Pretty confronting! I missed my little girl; it was the first time she was without her parents for five days! She did call us twice to say hi and have a chat, both times I asked her if she wanted me to come and get her, both times she insisted she wanted to stay. I knew I could trust the people taking care of her, and there were a lot of parents with unschooled kids out there, as well as several women Littletree knows well from past gatherings and feels connected with, so I surrendered, knowing that she was safe and cared for, following her own path.

As parents, we all know there will come a time when our kids grow up, become more independent and start going out to parties and festivals without us. I knew that day would come… but I didn’t expect it this soon!

Littletree is simply confident and independent. She knows what she needs and can clearly communicate and express herself. I wonder what happened to all those people who said if I breastfeed too long or let her sleep in the bed with me or carry her in a sling all the time she’d end up never learning how to cope on her own and I’d have her clinging to my skirts forever? I guess that will kick in any day now.

In any case, I went out on Friday with Purple to pick her up, and still she wanted to stay, so Purple spent the weekend at rainbow with Littletree, I just spent a day out there and came home.

Twas lovely to see everyone, and feel the energy, however briefly.

And now Littletree is home again, we’re spending lots of time together, just hanging out. :)

A Call for Healing

My friends Earth Mama and Autumn’s little boy, Jallahyn, who was born into my hands, and is dear to all our hearts, is gravely ill.

He has developed septic arthritis in his left hip joint, which is spreading down his thigh bone. Today he is scheduled for his third surgery at the Mater hospital in Brisbane to try to clear this out.

Please send healing energy, prayers and blessings to all the family.

This Stick was made for walking

All this rain has brought the oddest things out of the bush. The other day at a client’s house this little guy wandered onto the driveway

He’s quite well camouflaged on the gravel, but as you can see, he’s as long as a man’s forearm. A thing of beauty, with big blue thorn-like spikes and wings, he was quite friendly.

 

Flexibility

Purple and Littletree went to the Australian Rainbow Gathering this weekend… and yes, I’m still at home.

It’s the first time ever either of them have gone to rainbow without me. I have a client due to birth any day now, so I’m staying home. Littletree was so excited to go to rainbow and see her friends, she didn’t really mind that I wasn’t going too.

It’s all about being flexible. On one hand, I so much want to keep my child at my side and protect her from everything, on the other hand, I do trust her, and she needs to know that I support her while at the same time she has her freedom.

Anyway, she’s there with Purple, so I shouldn’t worry! And I am a tad wishing I was at the rainbow too, though to be honest, I’m also glad to be out of the rain and mud and keeping myself healthy.

Before they left, Littletree was doing some acrobatics and showing off her circus skills, and I asked her if she can stand on her head. This was the reply:

 

LOL! She’s always been very flexible from her fingers to her toes

Keeping Our Heads Above Water

Unless you’ve been living in a cave (one on very high ground), no doubt you’ve heard about the flooding that’s going on now in Australia.

I’ve gotten a lot of messages from concerned folk – first of all, let me say: yes, we are fine, safe and above the flood level.

The waters are rising all around us, we’re quite trapped in our little area, which has become an island in a sea of torrents. Our home is on top of a very steep hill, so although many of our neighbours are flooded under, and we couldn’t leave our village or get very far up the road for a while, our home is out of the water.

I went to the supermarket while I could and stocked up – the place was packed full of people getting cases of tinned food. One of my friends said she got to her local town after being cut off for days, only to find the town was running out of food.

Many of our neighbours haven’t been so lucky, and people living around here, many thousands of people, have lost their homes. The area flooded is massive. It’s hard to really conceive of it, a week ago the news report was an area of Queensland the size of Germany and France combined. This week parts of New South Wales, a town to the south of us, Grafton – a town I used to live in and have many friends and people I call family in – flooded. That adds enough area to the flood-devastated region to throw in Spain as well.

I send my prayers and blessings to all those affected. I can’t imagine, really, even though I can see the raging waters, I can’t quite wrap my brain around the magnitude of this flood, and the ferocity of nature, ripping everything clean.

I think of the people who managed to get out, evacuate in time with their loved ones and valuables, expecting to come back to water damage, but still have their home, only to find that their roof was ripped off by passing cars rushing through the torrent.

Whole cities, whole communities are under water. And still it continues to rain.